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The Joke Page |
This page last updated: August 3, 1999.
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Enjoy the following jokes submitted by readers (most recent jokes at the top of each section). If you'd like to send in a joke, see the joke submission rules at the bottom of this page.
You can select your favorite section, or just start paging down.
- Q: Why do Bama graduates keep their diplomas in the windshield of their pickups?
A: So they can park in handicapped spaces.
(submitted by Melody Hooper Cathey - Huntsville)
- An Auburn grad walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he's heard the latest Alabama joke. "Wait a minute," the bartender says. "See those two guys at the end of the bar? They played for the Bear. See those other two guys? The played under Stallings. Besides that, I'm an Alabama fan. Now, what were you going to say?" "Never mind," says the Auburn grad. "I don't want to repeat it five times."
(submitted by Melody Hooper Cathey - Huntsville)
- Robert's Bama Joke Page - go here for a bunch of good Bama jokes.
- A humbly submitted observation: It's interesting that the University of Alabama is known for lawyers and politicians, while Auburn is known for engineers, astronauts, architects, and the people who put food on your table. I don't seem to recall Shakespeare saying "kill all the engineers."
(anonymous)
- An Alabama student was strolling across his beloved Tuscaloosa campus and noticed a crowd of student gathering in the middle of the street. Upon investigation the ua@t student observed a visiting Auburn student jumping up and down on a manhole cover shouting out, "Twenty-two! Twenty-two!" over and over.
Puzzled by this behavior, the ua@t student inquired, "Why are you jumping up and down on that manhole cover, shouting out numbers?' The visiting Auburn student responded, "Because it's fun!"
While pondering the jumping, shouting Auburn student's response, the ua@t student has to admit to himself that it looks like the Auburn student is enjoying himself. "Let me give that a try," requests the ua@t student. "Sure," says the Auburn student as he stepped to the side of the manhole cover.
The ua@t student then proceeded to hop up and down on the manhole cover. After about a dozen hops the ua@t student addressed the Auburn student, "I don't get it, this isn't really that fun." The Auburn student replied, "It's not fun because you're not jumping high enough and not shouting 'twenty-two' loud enough. Jump really high and shout really loudly."
The ua@t student started to jump really high and shout, "Twenty-two!" at the top of his lungs. All of a sudden, the Auburn student jerked the manhole cover off the manhole and the ua@t student plummeted into the sewer.
Casually the Auburn student replaced the manhole cover. The Auburn student then resumed gleefully jumping up and down on the manhole cover as he shouted, "TWENTY-THREE!! TWENTY-THREE!! TWENTY-THREE!!"
(submitted by Gene Erb)
- One word - "Bojo".
(anonymous)
- Did you hear they had to cancel the cheerleading program at Alabama this year?
THE CHEERLEADERS KEPT GRAZING ON THE FIELD
(submitted by Jodi Tompkins) (ed. note - an oldie, but still a goodie)
- What do tornadoes and UA graduates have in common?
SOONER OR LATER THEY ALL END UP IN TRAILER PARKS.
(submitted by Julian Billings)
- Where were O.J. and Al Cowlings heading in the white Bronco?
TUSCALOOSA -- THEY KNEW THE POLICE WOULD NEVER LOOK FOR A HEISMAN TROPHY
WINNER THERE!!!!
(submitted by Julian Billings)
- Did you hear they had to cancel the Christmas pageant at Alabama this year?
THEY COULDN'T FIND 3 WISE MEN.
(submitted by Julian Billings) [ed. note: I edited this one, but everyone knows there's one more Christmas-related thing you can't find in Tuscaloosa]
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- your richest relative buys a new home and you have to help him take the wheels off.
- you've ever used lard in bed.
- you think potted meat on a cracker is an hors d'ouvre.
- there's a stuffed possum mounted anywhere in your house.
- you think a six-pack of beer and a bug zapper is quality entertainment.
- less than half your cars run.
- your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before she tells the highway patrolman to 'kiss her butt.'
- the primary color of your car is "bondo."
- directions to your house include the phrase, "turn off the paved road."
- you honestly think women are turned on by animal noises and suggestive tongue gestures.
- your family tree doesn't fork.
- your mother has been involved in a fist fight at a high school athletic event.
- your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
- you have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.
- you think "Volvo" is a part of a woman's body.
- the rear tires on your car are twice as wide as the front ones.
- you were conceived in an 18-wheeler at a truck stop on I-20.
- you've hitched a ride back to Tuscaloosa in the back of a hog truck; AND, once you got there, no one noticed the smell.
- you prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
- you consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
- your mother keeps a spit cup on her ironing board.
- you've ever worn a t-shirt to a wedding.
- the most overheard phrase at your family reunions is, "What're you lookin' at, jerk?"
- you think beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
- you think Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
- you have more than two friends named "Bubba" or "Junior".
- your father encouraged you to quit school when there was an opening on the lube rack.
- you think "Grapenuts" is a venerial disease.
- you think the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
- you've ever been too drunk to fish.
- you grew up thinking cream gravy was a soft drink.
- you have a rag for a gas cap.
- you had a toothpick in your mouth when your wedding picture was taken.
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(submitted by Julian Billings)
Time Limit: 3 WKS
- What language is spoken in France?
- Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular
reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions - OR - give the first name of Pierre
Trudeau.
- Would you ask William Shakespeare to
- build a bridge
- sail the ocean
- lead an army or
- WRITE A PLAY
- What religion is the Pope? (check only one)
- Jewish
- Catholic
- Hindu
- Polish
- Agnostic
- Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?
- What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on
the 5?
- How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)
- What are people in America's far north called?
- Westerners
- Southerners
- Northerners
- Spell -- Bush, Carter and Clinton
- Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George
the Sixth. Name the previous five.
- Where does rain come from?
- Macy's
- a 7-11
- Canada
- the sky
- Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
- yes
- no
- What are coat hangers used for?
- The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?
- Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium - OR - spell your
name in BLOCK LETTERS.
- Where is the basement in a three story building located?
- Which part of America produces the most oranges?
- New York
- Florida
- Canada
- Wisconsin
- Advanced math. If you have three apples, how many apples do you have?
- What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?
- The University of Alabama tradition for efficiency began when
(approximately)?
- B.C.
- A.D.
- still waiting
*You must answer three or more questions correctly to qualify
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(submitted by Julian Billings)
We have all encountered the many individuals throughout the great state of Alabama who consider themselves die-hard Alabama fans despite the fact that, not only have they never enrolled in classes there, they probably couldn't even find "Tuscaloser. These misguided individuals, known as "Pulpwood Alumni", are under the impression that Alabama the school, and Alabama the state, are the same thing. Of course the University of Alabama welcomes them with open arms, since, after all, they tend to mirror the student body itself.
But, fair is fair, and these fans must be subject to the same stringent academic standards as all other UA students, so the University of Alabama has implemented the following application in an effort to weed out those individuals who are not exceptionally qualified to wear the cherished "Crimson and Polyester".
-------------------------------------------------------------------
APPLICATION FOR UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA PULP-TRUCK ALUMNI ASSOCIATION
Name: _____________________________
Nickname: _________________________
CB Handle: ________________________
Address: (RFD #): _________________
Daddy (If unknown, list 3 suspects): ________________
Mamma: ______________________
Neck Shade: __Light Red __Medium Red __Dark Red
Number of teeth exposed in full grin: Upper:___ Lower:___
Name of pickup owned: ____________ Height of truck: ______
Truck equipped with:
__Gun Rack __4-Wheel Drive __Big Dog
__Cassette Deck __8-Track Tape __Load of Wood
__Hijacker Shocks __Radar Detector __Mag Wheels
__Dual CB Antennas __Spittoon (this category includes old
Red White and Blue beer cans)
__Camper Top __Air Horns __Mud Flaps
__Toothpick Holder __Mud-Grip Tires __Raccoon Hide
__Sheepskin Seat Covers
Number of empty beer cans in pickup bed: ____
Depth of permanent mud on sides of pickup: ____
Bumper stickers on truck:
__"Eat more Possum"
__"My other car is a piece of junk, too"
__"Honk if you love Jesus"
__"If you ain't a cowboy, you ain't nothin'"
__"Jesse Helms for President"
__"Redman Chewing Tobacco"
__"The day they take my gun away is the day they pry it from
my cold dead fingers"
Define the following (must be 90% correct):
1. Grits
2. Goobers (either the nut or the TV character)
3. Pintos (either the bean or the car)
4. Collards
5. Sidemeat
6. Sawmill Gravy
7. Turnip Salad
8. Redeye Gravy
9. Soppin' Syrup
10. Poke
11. Cobbler
12. Fatback
13. Tote
14. Chickin' Fry
15. Chitlins
16. Tater
17. Pig Skins
18. Cheetah (either the animal or the Alabama football program)
19. Okrie
20. "Shonuf"
Favorite Vocalist:
__Reba __Dolly __Conway __Loretta __Porter __Hank, Sr.
__Hank, Jr. __Willie Nelson __Ray Wylie Hubbard __Randy Travis
__Tammy Wynette __Slim Whitman __George Jones __Box Car Willie
Favorite Recreation:
__Square Dancin ' __Possum Huntin' __Skinny Dippin'
__Craw Daddin' __Gospel Singin' __4-Wheelin'
__Drankin' __Spittin' Backy __Bull Chip Throwin'
__Honky Tonkin' __Noodlin' __Otherin'
Name of son(s):
__Jim Bob __Billy Bob __Bob Bob __LeeRoy __J.D. __Bubba
Name of Daughter(s):
__Pammy Sue __Violet __Paulette __Dolly __Daisy __Bubba
Weapons Owned:
__Deer Rifle __Sawed-off Shotgun __Varmint Rifle
__Tire Iron __Chain Saw __Motorcycle Chain
__Pick Handle __Hick'ry Switch __Rotwieler
__Broken Beer Bottle (long neck)
Number of Dogs: ___
Type of Dog(s): __Blue Tick __Beagle __Black & Tan __Bird Dawg
Cap Emblem:
__John Deere __McCulloch Chain Saws __Bud
__VA-Tech __Skoal __Coors
__NAPA __Dale Earnhardt #3 __Richard Petty #43
__Hooters Restaurants - "More than a mouthful"
__"Smile if you're not wearin' underwear"
__"Keep the South beautiful -- Put a Yankee on a bus"
Number of Dependents: Legal:____ Claimed:____
Number of weeks unemployed:____ (if you can't count that high,
use number of years)
Number of Welfare checks received:____
Memberships:
__NRA __Moose __PTL Club __700 Club
__AAA __AA __Bass __Bill Dance Fan Club
__John Birch Society __any militia group
Length of: Right Leg:____ Left Leg:____
Does your truck contain some part painted the official alumni
association color of primer red? __Yes __No (Check only one)
How many vehicles do you have up on blocks in your front yard? ___
How many kitchen appliances do you have (or are you willing to have)
on your front porch? ___
Do you ever plan to install indoor plumbing in your house (or do you
see this as an unnecessary luxury)? ___Yes ___No
Will you (or do you now) wear mostly double-knit polyester pants
with snags? ___Yes ___No
Do you own shoes? ___Yes ___No If yes, how many (odd number
OK)? ___
Are you married to any of the following:
___Sister ___Cousin ___Sow
What is her name (if known)? ________________ (You may write an "X",
if that's how she signs her name)
Does your wife weigh more than your pickup truck? ___Yes ___No
Can you sign your name and get the spelling right every time?
___Yes ___No ___Not Sure
Can you count past ten without removing your shoes (assuming you're
wearing shoes)? ___Yes ___No ___Ten is too high
Do you know any words that have more than four letters?
___Yes ___No If yes, list it:____________
Have you ever had more than one bath per week? ___Yes ___No
If yes, what was the occasion? _______________
Medical Information:
Do you have at least two of the following:
__B.O. __Head Lice __Rabies __Trench Mouth __Runny Nose
__Bad Breath __Teeth
------------------------- End of Application --------------------------
Note that if your application is turned down by the University of Alabama,
you may be eligible to apply to the University of Arkansas, as their
standards are slightly lower. However, you would still be eligible to
visit Tuscaloosa (if you can find it).
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- Coach Superior, I mean Spurrier, was asked in 1993 why he wouldn't play Notre Dame. "Well," he replied, "I've been beaten by the Father and the Son, and I'm not taking any chances on the Holy Ghost!"
(submitted by Melody Hooper Cathey - Huntsville)
- Reading "Visor Boy's" Mind: Pick your favorite caption for a picture of Steve Spurrier throwing his visor to the ground:
- "I wish I understood defense."
- "I wish I was as good a coach as I tell everyone I am."
- "I never would have made that mistake when I was a quarterback."
- "I wish I could coach in the NFL and make some serious money."
- "How come I've never won a non-conference road game?"
- "Wait till Wuerffel gets back to the sideline. I'll yell and scream at him for not being perfect, thereby proving what a positive role model I am for these young men."
(anonymous)
- Steve Spurrier's walking on the beach the night before the team is to leave for Arizona to play Nebraska in the '96 Fiesta Bowl, and he comes across this really ornate bottle lying in the sand. He picks it up and brushes the sand off and out pops a genie who tells Steve he'll grant him one, and only one, wish. Steve thinks for a minute then says "You know, I've always been interested in great engineering feats. I'd like to have a bridge built from Florida all the way to France, and it'd be called the Steve Spurrier Bridge." The genie immediately starts to hedge. "Steve, that would be nearly impossible, the sheer volume of concrete needed is prohibitive, the sea is thousands of feet deep in spots, lives would be lost... It simply can't be done.
You'll have to think of something else - anything else, anything at all." So Steve thought for another minute, then he said with great enthusiasm "Then I want to beat Nebraska, win the national championship, and prove to all the world that a flashy offense, not a sound defense, wins championships." The genie didn't even hesitate a single second before he said "Do you want that bridge two-lane or four?"
(anonymous)
- "Nebraska just scored again" - Jay Leno - The Tonight Show, Jan. 3, 1996
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- Check out some typical Neyland Stadium fans (from the Chattanooga Free Press).
- Q: Why do Tennessee fans wear orange all weekend?
A: Because they can wear it huntin' on Friday, to Neyland Stadium on Saturday, and to pick up trash by the side of the road on Sunday.
(anonymous)
- An Auburn fan and a Tennessee fan were fighting side-by-side in World War II, and both were captured and sentenced to die by firing squad. The Tennessee man was stood up before the firing squad and the guard asked him if he had any last request. He thought for a second, then asked them to play Rocky Top one last time. From the side, the Auburn fan shouted out "Then please shoot me first."
(Submitted by a former Alabama football player, who requests to remain anonymous.)
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- "Clemson is just Auburn with a lake." - the late Lewis Grizzard (Georgia fan)
(ed. note - If you've ever been to Clemson, this statement isn't too far off)
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Send us any joke related to our SEC brethren, college football or basketball, ACC football (fertile ground), or even a joke about Auburn (we can laugh at ourselves).
Please keep the jokes clean and good-natured. We won't print any crude jokes or ones that viciously attack individuals (good, clean Steve Spurrier jokes are encouraged, however). You can send your nasty jokes to us and we'll probably get a good laugh out of 'em, but they most likely won't make it onto this page.
To submit a joke, e-mail us at auclub@netscape.net. Let us know if you want credit for submitting the joke, or if you want to remain anonymous.
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Triangle Area Auburn Club
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