Subject: 	Application for Permission to Date My Daughter
[NOTE:  For God-fearin', gun-totin', over-protective fathers everywhere!
Here's the answer to your prayers.  Skim the fat off the top.  Take only
the
best suitors for your daughter(s)!  This latest application makes the
process quick and simple.  
=======================
Application for Permission to Date My Daughter
Pre-Application Information:
This application will be considered incomplete and therefore rejected
unless
accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage,
letters
of acceptance to Stanford, Harvard and Yale, and current medical report
(from a reputable doctor).  
PART 1:
NAME:_________________________________________

BIRTHDATE:___________________________________

HEIGHT:______________	WEIGHT:_______________

IQ:__________

GPA (mandatory):_____________

SOCIAL SECURITY #:_____________________

DRIVERS LICENSE #:____________________

BOY SCOUT RANK & MERIT BADGES:_______________

HOME ADDRESS:__________________________________________

Do you have parents?__________
If NO, explain (in ten words or less):________________

If YES, number of years they have been married:_________________

If they have been married less than you age, explain:_______________

_________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________

PART 2:
Do you own a van?___________
A truck with over-sized tires?___________
A waterbed?____________
A pick-up with a mattress in the back?_____________
Do you have an earring, nose ring, and/or belly-button ring?____________
Are you pierced in another other part of your anatomy not named
above?__________  If yes, describe where, and why it is pierced. (Attach a
separate sheet, if necessary.)
A tattoo?_____________
(IF YOU HAVE ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE--DISCONTINUE APPLICATION
AND
LEAVE PREMISES.)

PART 3:
In 50 words or less - what does LATE mean to you?



In 50 words or less - what does MARRIAGE mean to you?



In 50 words or less - what does ABSTINENCE mean to you?



What church do you attend?___________________
How often?______________
When would be the best time to interview your:
Father?____________________
Mother?____________________
Priest?_____________________
Parole Officer?______________

PART 4:
Answer by filling in the blank.  Please feel free to answer all questions.
Answers given will be considered confidential.
A. 	If I were shot, the last place I would want to be shot would
be:______
B. 	If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:__________
C. 	A woman's place is:______________
D. 	The one thing I hope this application does not ask
is?_______________
E. 	When I first met your daughter, the one thing that I noticed first
was:____________________
(Note:   IF answer E begins with T or A, discontinue application.  Leave
premises immediately.  It is highly advised to keep your head down and
zigzag.)
F.	What do you want to do IF you grow up?_________________

Part 5:
What is the current going rate of a hotel room?_______________
(Note:  IF multiple answers are given to the question above, discontinue
application.  Stay seated.  There is a sawed-off pointed at your knees.
There are probably several fathers looking for you right now!)

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND  CORRECT TO THE
BEST
OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, TORTURE,
CRUCIFIXION,
AND ELECTROCUTION ADMINISTERED BY "WE-BREAK'EM" INSURANCE BROKERS.

__________________________________________________
SIGNATURE (an "X" is not sufficient.)

Thank you for expressing interest in my daughter.  Please allow 4-6 weeks
for processing.  You will be contacted in writing if you are approved.
Please do not try to call, write, or try to visit my daughter during this
time (it would result in disqualification of your application and bodily
harm visited upon you.)  If your application is rejected, you will be
notified by Louigi and Vinny of We-Break'em Insurance Brokers.  Have a nice
day.